In May of 2012 I stopped eating gluten and dairy after years of stomach pain and.... shall we say "gastrointestinal distress". I felt amazing and lost 35lbs in four months! I fit in jeans that I hadn't worn in four years. I really thought I would keep losing weight as I continued on, even though the first year was really hard. Occasionally I would try to have a beer (my favorite), or use soy sauce, but no - no, that was no good. I am well and truly intolerant of gluten (and, to a lesser extent, dairy). So why didn't I continue to lose weight? Well let's see...
First of all, gluten-free replacement foods are more plentiful and are better-tasting here in Norway where I now live, so although I wasn't making my body fight off gluten, I began eating gluten-free (GF) bread, crackers, and the delicious chocolate soy milk available here. Also, I didn't drink for my first four months in Norway, as a bottle of wine that may cost $6 in the U.S. costs $20 here and I found that terrifying. But eventually I got over it. Unfortunately. And then Norway began importing my favorite American GF beer. At $6 a bottle, I still manage to drink a few a month. So instead of losing more weight, I even started gaining some back. I gained back about 10lbs, but have since lost that weight and another pound or so more.
But now I'm stuck.
Every. Single. Day has me wanting to get fit. To see who I would be in a size 8. To see what I would look like with a toned tummy and triceps. I want it so bad that I'm pretty sure it makes me salivate. Although I was a size that I liked shortly after I met my husband (age 20), I was never toned or in good shape. And oh my god do I want it!! So what is stopping me? I'm not really sure. I know that a lot of it is probably based in my anxiety disorders. I feel like I have so many things to fix that it's overwhelming me. I'm managing to get myself through the highs and lows more easily, to be less of a obsessive, crazy whackadoodle. But it takes a TON of concentration. Like, I have to disengage from the moment and sort it out in my head, and then slip back into the situation all calm and rational. And then, of course, I want to shake the person I was interacting with and say: "Do you have any idea what I just DID?! Do you know how HARD that was?! APPLAUD ME!!" because I need so much validation. *sigh*
And there's so much more. I've been here in Norway for almost two years, but I don't have a job. For similar reasons, I suspect. Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. To anybody who doesn't experience it outside of job interviews and first dates, this sounds ridiculous (believe me, my husband's best friend is the most stoically confident person I've ever met, and he thinks I'm making it up). But the truth of the matter is the fear of being rejected, of being told that I'm not good enough and not worth hiring is so incredibly paralyzing. In fact, I stuff my face with something comforting almost every time I think about it. Usually alcohol.
"But," you might say "you see these problems. So why can't you fix them?" That, my friends, is an excellent question. If I am eating (or drinking. Especially drinking, actually) for comfort, I can see that that is the cause. But do I stop? No! I get indignant, angry, and embarrassed and I finish whatever it is. Like, I eat or drink every example of that item that I have in my house. And that's another thing - the OCD means that eating something new, something that isn't in my usual repertoire is extremely difficult. Sure, I might try different brands of pad Thai-at-home kits, but pad Thai is essential. And, predictably, there are no vegetables IN said repertoire. Sure, I like zucchini, broccoli, peas, and cauliflower well enough, but I recoil from eating them. Every day, I scrunch up my nose and decide to eat something processed instead. But enough of that. Suffice to say: I have a lot bouncing around in my head.
So today when I stumbled across the blog "Strong Coffey" and read her post "Self-acceptance & Self-love Part One: The Why & The How", I stopped reading, ate a few tablespoons of bleu brie (thanks for that creation, Norway), and made GF snickerdoodle cookie dough to eat straight out of the bowl. And then I felt disgusting, put down the rest of the cookie dough, and thought about why. And obviously, I thought with my finger tips because here it is for you to read. I'm not sure if this is going to generate any answers, but maybe it will make room in my head to ask myself the right questions...
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